sober is cool

It was 3 years ago. I was at a charity event. I was sitting at a table covered in empty beer bottles. Loud enough, with a band playing in the background, the conversation at the table was being amplified to outdo that noise. This particular night, I only had a couple of beers. I sat back and sipped and listened. That was my moment. After numerous conversations with people breathing beer incredibly too close to my face, talking with a slur at a very loud volume, and spitting as they spoke, I realized I was done. It no longer did it for me. Like out of a movie, I sat still and time paused as I watched everyone around me and realized I was alone. Alone in the desire to not want to be there. Alone in wishing the beer would all just disapear. That night, I left my last unfinished beer on the table and walked away. I haven’t picked up a drink since.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of partygoers that enjoyed their evening and their few drinks and helped raise a substantial amount of money for one of my favorite charities. However, personally, I was realizing that even alcohol wasn’t helping me have a better time. I just wasn’t happy. The momentum had been building. I was realizing that alcohol was an enemy to me.

I was experiencing several downfalls in my life, and it had become a crutch. There are plenty of past associates who can pop out of my past and tell you about all the moments that led up to this decision. I don’t feel it necessary to explain all the details, but I was definitely teetering on the edge. I was unhappy in my marriage, struggling with mental health issues, and I knew at the time I wasn’t 100% for my kids. Now, I wasn’t a full-time alcoholic, but it was enough to take away from my quality of life. During COVID, I quite frankly used that same excuse a lot of Mamas out there use, “Mama needs a drink.” Ugh, I feel so cringe even repeating those words. It makes me feel sad now to think about everything I was too sluggish to do, too hungover to care about, or that feeling of thinking I needed a drink in my hand to get through most social situations. Alcohol was not adding anything positive to my life. I was watching others around me struggle to get their lives and mental health on the right track, all while chugging a 30-pack and being in a negative mood all the time, and it really hit me. I found myself asking… What kind of example am I setting for my kids?! I realized I could fix this, and I was the only one.

I decided I needed a big change in my life. I knew I couldn’t make big decisions without a clear mind and healthy body. I needed the physical and mental strength to achieve my goals. I made my health a priority and that in itself helped me. I can’t consume alcohol and take the medications I need to fight my mental health battles. I can’t expect to be energetic and clear-minded when I’m tired and hungover from too much wine the night before. I was about to get back out into the work grind and 40 hours a week is hard enough without wine headaches in the morning. Coming into your 40s as a woman is hard enough without adding alcohol-induced mood swings and bloating. I knew in order for me to thrive and take action, alcohol couldn’t be a part of my future. It isn’t easy all the time. I had to separate myself from people and places for a while that I thought would negatively impact my choice. I wanted to be sure I was strong enough to avoid temptation. That being said, life got a little bit lonelier. You find out very quickly who your true tribe is when you stop doing things that aren’t good for you. This is why surrounding yourself with people that truly have your best interest at heart is so important. Setting boundaries is hard and not everyone understands. I’m not in any way saying that it’s not okay to drink. To each their own. However, the world we live in is alcohol obsessed. Every song, commercial, restaurant, and social gathering, there it is. Countless rows of beautiful bottles displayed on gorgeously lit, mirrored shelves in every sports bar. I’m just there for the wings and football!

Since I stopped drinking, I’ve had to shuffle through a lot of uncomfortable feelings and memories. Sometimes I still hear stories about my actions, and I want to hide in my closet and cry. Knowing that I ever let myself and my kids down weighs very heavily at times. More often than not, though, I find my story is important. I couldn’t give my testimony and encourage others if I myself hadn’t personally experienced it. Living an alcohol-free life has helped me in so many ways. I’m healthier and happier. I took control of my mental health. I went to therapy and started medication. I found the strength to make difficult decisions regarding my relationship and the courage to get back to work. I’ve found healthier ways to entertain my free time. I also let my Faith take the lead. Give yourself grace. If you find yourself struggling, you are not alone. Reach out for help! Tell someone you need help being held accountable.

This is only a small part of my story. I can proudly say that I’m alcohol-free. It’s totally worth it. Sober is cool.